Once you pop, the pain don’t stop

30 Oct

I spent four hours in battle today. We went in with 24 soliders… and only 12 came out. 6 are still in critical condition. They may not recover.

Of course, I am referring to a disaster in this kitchen this afternoon. Tomorrow is the last day of one of my co-workers, so I attempted these Strawberry Pop Tart Cupcakes as a farewell treat. They did not, I repeat, not turn out as I’d planned. Which was basically the photo from the recipe.

What happened was this: things were going great until I tried to fill the cakes with strawberry preserves. First, the apple corer I was using to create the hole was too big and causing the cake the split open. So I used a straw to punch out a hole, but it was too small to hold anything. Multiple punches left the same effect as the corer, so I just stuck with the corer (and ate all the middles, duh). I had also purchased a bottle – kind of like one of those old-fasioned squeeze ketchup bottles? like the ones Guy Fieri uses to squirt stuff from four feet away? – for the strawberry preserves, to fill up the holes in the cakes.

BUT the Smucker’s preserves were too thick and chunky, and so the preserves wouldn’t squeeze out of the bottle. Instead, I had to spoon the strawberries. That worked fine, really, but it left a massive, gooey mess. (Once you get that strawberry sticky on one thing, it gets on everything. And I mean everything. I actually found some on our cat later tonight, which is totally bizarre since we don’t have a cat.)

Okay, so that was a little hiccup, but I plunged ahead, like a trooper. But this was when the real problems started. For the first time, I was going to use a Martha Stewart pastry bag I’d picked up a Macy’s a month or so ago. The bad part is that her pastry bags are JUNK. Maybe Macy’s found this cloth in a dung heap and threw Martha Stewart’s name on it, I don’t know. I could detail all the faults but it would just leave me in tears. Just know that is was an awful experience, and buttercream soon found it’s place among the strawberry on the table. And the garbage can. And the cat, which, once again, is really, really weird.

This was the very first piped cupcake – what a tease. This gave me hope that this would somehow turn out the way I wanted it to.

But cupcakes lie.


I’m not sure what she went to jail for, but it should have been for her awful pastry bag! I know that was a lame joke, but I wasn’t joking when I thought it as I was piping these monstrosities.

After five more failed attempts at piping, I gave up and smoothed it all over with some good ol’ sprinkles. I topped it off with a slice of Strawberry Pop Tart because for some reason I’m still trying to make these cupcakes look okay.

I’m almost embarrassed to take these to work tomorrow. They just look sloppy and awful. But after four hours in that dinky kitchen, I decided I didn’t even like this co-worker enough anyway. I mean, I definitely don’t like her now.

On the bright side (I know, I know, my life isn’t completely worthless) I did finally find some blueberries at the store last night. I will be baking with those this weekend – even if it means I can’t work on any papers. Probably a good thing, because even if I did write it, it would somehow end up with strawberry goo on it anyway. Just like that cat.

Just like that cat.

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