Tag Archives: disasters

A fork in the cake

5 Nov

I’m a disaster in the kitchen.

I can try to blame it on my equipment, or my appliances, or my kitchen as a whole (because regardless of my skill or not, the kitchen truly is pathetic) but it will always boil down to me not being able to follow directions.

Let’s take these for example (recipe here):

They look pretty delish, don’t they? Actually, they were drier than… something that’s really dry, I don’t know. The point is, when this recipe called for 1/2 cup of butter, my dummy self used a whole stick. Which threw the whole thing off, but I didn’t know until after I stuck the pan in the oven. As soon as that door clanked shut, my brain screamed, “OMG YOU FOOL WHY DID YOU USE TOO MUCH BUTTER?!??” and my stomach was all, “The more the merrier, what could go wrong?”

I don’t know much about the science of food (despite watching too much of Good Eats), but all I know is that I came to a fork in the cake: I could under bake or over bake. There was no in between.

I chose to over bake.

They were alright, really. Super dry, but the flavor was nice. I liked the glaze, though it did leave crumbly messes everywhere in the apartment (courtesy of me, Dylan did not touch these, wow, rude, etc.).

So then tonight, nine o’clock rolls around and I’m not feeling particularly like doing any homework. (I just took a grueling astronomy test this morning, can you blame me?) So I decided to use those fresh(ish) blueberries and whip up some muffins!

I used Martha Stewart’s Blueberry Cupcake recipe (I hate her, I love her, I hate her, I love her!) and I attempted the streusel from this recipe (which I am eager to try, by the way). And yeah, don’t worry, I did something stupid to this recipe too.

It calls for softened butter, and I mean, it insists on it. But I don’t do that. I don’t have the forethought to even think about putting out the butter (or the eggs, or the milk, or the cream cheese) to soften. So I decided the set the butter on top of the stove while the oven was pre-heating. Why didn’t anyone go over this with me in high school?

DO NOT DO THAT. The time came for me to use said butter, and said butter was pooled around the whole stove top.

So I used what little butter was left instead – about half of what I was supposed to.

They taste a little tangy and a lot like failure. I’ve never had streusel before but I can tell you it is not meant to taste like that.

Hopefully, they will make a pleasant breakfast. You know, before all of my taste buds are fully awake.

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Once you pop, the pain don’t stop

30 Oct

I spent four hours in battle today. We went in with 24 soliders… and only 12 came out. 6 are still in critical condition. They may not recover.

Of course, I am referring to a disaster in this kitchen this afternoon. Tomorrow is the last day of one of my co-workers, so I attempted theseĀ Strawberry Pop Tart Cupcakes as a farewell treat. They did not, I repeat, not turn out as I’d planned. Which was basically the photo from the recipe.

What happened was this: things were going great until I tried to fill the cakes with strawberry preserves. First, the apple corer I was using to create the hole was too big and causing the cake the split open. So I used a straw to punch out a hole, but it was too small to hold anything. Multiple punches left the same effect as the corer, so I just stuck with the corer (and ate all the middles, duh). I had also purchased a bottle – kind of like one of those old-fasioned squeeze ketchup bottles? like the ones Guy Fieri uses to squirt stuff from four feet away? – for the strawberry preserves, to fill up the holes in the cakes.

BUT the Smucker’s preserves were too thick and chunky, and so the preserves wouldn’t squeeze out of the bottle. Instead, I had to spoon the strawberries. That worked fine, really, but it left a massive, gooey mess. (Once you get that strawberry sticky on one thing, it gets on everything. And I mean everything. I actually found some on our cat later tonight, which is totally bizarre since we don’t have a cat.)

Okay, so that was a little hiccup, but I plunged ahead, like a trooper. But this was when the real problems started. For the first time, I was going to use a Martha Stewart pastry bag I’d picked up a Macy’s a month or so ago. The bad part is that her pastry bags are JUNK. Maybe Macy’s found this cloth in a dung heap and threw Martha Stewart’s name on it, I don’t know. I could detail all the faults but it would just leave me in tears. Just know that is was an awful experience, and buttercream soon found it’s place among the strawberry on the table. And the garbage can. And the cat, which, once again, is really, really weird.

This was the very first piped cupcake – what a tease. This gave me hope that this would somehow turn out the way I wanted it to.

But cupcakes lie.


I’m not sure what she went to jail for, but it should have been for her awful pastry bag! I know that was a lame joke, but I wasn’t joking when I thought it as I was piping these monstrosities.

After five more failed attempts at piping, I gave up and smoothed it all over with some good ol’ sprinkles. I topped it off with a slice of Strawberry Pop Tart because for some reason I’m still trying to make these cupcakes look okay.

I’m almost embarrassed to take these to work tomorrow. They just look sloppy and awful. But after four hours in that dinky kitchen, I decided I didn’t even like this co-worker enough anyway. I mean, I definitely don’t like her now.

On the bright side (I know, I know, my life isn’t completely worthless) I did finally find some blueberries at the store last night. I will be baking with those this weekend – even if it means I can’t work on any papers. Probably a good thing, because even if I did write it, it would somehow end up with strawberry goo on it anyway. Just like that cat.

Just like that cat.